dave strider (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
oculusriffs) wrote2018-11-11 07:18 pm
oculusriffs) wrote2018-11-11 07:18 pm
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TG: this is going to be fucking stupid isnt it
[want to get in touch with Dave? you can leave a TEXT, VOICE, or VIDEO message — or alternatively, he shouldn't be too hard to track down in person.]
(a full 6 hours later, probably end?)
I've looked everywhere for you and I can't find you, so I'm kinda freaking out over here?
Please be okay
I'm probably worrying over nothing, right?
You ain't like get attacked by bees or something right?
I'm gonna wait back at the vacation spot til morning. If I keep lookin' for ya maybe we're just crossing paths or something.
When you see this, come home? Alright?
and then around mid the next morning
[and then he'd sat there, scrolling through the messages on his bracer, other hand on his forehead, doubled over with guilt. jesus christ Strider, you've really fucked it up this time, haven't you?]
[but every second that ticks by that he doesn't respond just makes it worse — he won't leave Ryuji hanging any longer.]
im here
im cool
jesus shit dude im sorry
really fucking sorry
youre still at the vacation spot right
[after a few seconds, he sends a picture, too. it's a view of the very tip of the Candlenights tree, as seen from the Moon Base. he's safe. he's fine.]
but uh
wait are you actually gonna fry those
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Without anything to go on, his mind kept creeping into additionally morbid thoughts. He'd never really been this scared before of something in his life, and at some point he probably cried because the anxiety got to him. Was he supposed to go looking? Was he supposed to stay here? What if he found him? What if he found him and he was dead?
And then, sitting up and occasionally drifting off with a nod or two before jolting himself awake, the silence breaks, and he feels his bracer buzzing a few times. Looks down, sees that it's him, and stops holding his breath. Shit, Strider. What the fuck.]
Dave what the fuck why are you back at the Moon Base???
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[there's a minute or two where he internally panics in that spot in between knowing he has to be honest and being terrified of just tossing what he sees as an immense failure on his part out in the open. letting Ryuji in on the secret, too, like he hadn't already stolen a pair of glitchy shades off of Dave's repressed sense of failure given a shadow form, and chose to stick by him anyway. Dave does know this. anxiety in this current moment is getting the better of him.]
still trying to figure that out
[and he ultimately kicks a conversation that probably shouldn't happen over text anyway a few yards down the road. it's not really a lie. it's not playing it off. it's, "let me get my bearings. let me try to not fuck this up and let you down again."]
dont go anywhere ok
im heading back
god fucking dammit
theyre not letting me leave yet
i guess
do you want snacks or something
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His stomach feels all sorts of twisted, in that way he felt when Dave was paralyzed in zero gravity. The same type that had him rambling to Dave about god knows what, just to hear his own voice and calm himself down. He's such an emotional mess sometimes, and even then, looking back, it was something of a comfort to use him as a backpack. Because that's a physical connection, and as damning as it was comforting at the same time. But he can't pull Dave close when they're separated by an entire planet and moon, and he just feels awful that he's not there.
Because, really, for as dumb as Ryuji could be, there's only a few reasons he could imagine being yanked up back to base, and he knows when his gut is telling him something that it's usually right.]
Yeah, don't worry, I'll be here
Got a real fuzzy blanket with your name on it and all
[No, that's not...
He sighs, because in his anxiety, he's doing that thing he does where he tries downplay something that's meaningful to him to not let people see his own worry. He tries this again.]
Skip the snacks
The only thing I want right now is you
Are you okay?
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[Dave is kind of used to doing this on his own. like, the part where you take your punches and you slink off to recover by yourself, because there's nobody else in the immediate area to help, or who wants to help. or worse, you don't really feel good enough to ask for it.]
[how else can he answer? yeah, he's fine. he's who knows how many miles away from where he really wants to be, and from who he really wants to be with, and he's having a hard time not getting too tilted over the fact that he can't fix that right this second, and an even worse time with pretty much everything else.]
[how is he supposed to hold up his unspoken end of the deal here, when he told Ryuji he didn't need to use his MMO skills to protect him, when he can't even keep it together long enough to not need to be bailed out of messes?]
[so it just sort of falls out in the very nervous stream of consciousness, all over the place sort of texts that he does.]
i mean
aside from this fuckin space quarantine
i dont get what the deal there even is
arent we supposed to be doing this magic christmas tree rpg quest
like grinding for candy cane and upgrading basically all our shit
im pretty sure if i melted candy cane over the SORD..... itd actually be a usable weapon
but
whats with the sudden moon jail
im gonna ask
oh wait ok
im going back down tonight
ok
thats cool
are you sure you dont want me to grab you anything
cuz i apparently have free reign over this entire bitch except for the part thats me skydiving back down there
just
god im sorry ryuji
im really fucking sorry
i didnt mean to make you worry
i fucked this up
is it cool if we just talk or something
about anything
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He breathes in through his nose, all clogged and gross, messy in the ways that Ryuji is never neat about anything, and slams his eyes shut to stop the stinging from not sleeping for an entire night. He can handle this- he managed 7 of these types of nights before beginning to actually start losing it.]
Lemme just stop you for a second right there because before this goes anywhere else I wanna say something and I need you to trust me on it before you start gettin' shadow Dave more shit to worry about.
You didn't fuck anything up.
Ain't got a single clue of what the hell happened or how, but I'm pretty sure makin' me worried is like, the last thing you gotta fret over, so don't do that, okay? Please? And I don't wanna talk anymore about that thought over text, it ain't that type of convo we should be havin' over words on a screen and it sure as shit ain't right if I can't say this to you and hold you while sayin' it because that's how we do stuff.
Do you want me to come up there? Say the word I'll call down that ugly ass glass ball and get my ass right to you. Tell the director she can go fuck off if that's what I gotta do.
[He has a feeling Dave's going to say no, so he'll continue.]
Shit, you're really not gonna rest until I tell you to get something for me, huh? I guess I wouldn't say no to a can of dr. salt or two.
Anyway
Not gonna lie I'm tired as shit and practically nodding off but if you want me to wait I'll wait no problem
Hey, what does Santa Claus use to go ice fishing?
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[but there's another thing. it's the sort of thing that led him to ramble endlessly into empty chat boxes by himself, knowing that his friends wouldn't read it until who knows how much later. it's why he didn't actually forget Terezi's name, even though he'd pretty much promised to their very first conversation.]
alright
i know its not
its not something i wanna hash out on a bracer either
hittin the pause button here then
you think those space balls are good for napping
probably not
[it's because Dave, in spite of the fact that he was a lot growing up, can't stand to be alone. and that's as good of a tentative request for help as any — if Ryuji gets the message, he'll have the soda waiting for him.]
wait are you gonna pun at me
yeah all right go ahead
what?
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Pause commenced.
[He's pretty zonked out, but the tactic he used on Dave before being used like this between them makes him feel like that original choice was a good one. Add it to the list of weird idiosyncrasies of their relationship that Ryuji feels absolutely, positively chill with.
But he says the word, and he keeps his promise, even if it's something only visible between the lines. There's pretty much nothing out there he wouldn't do if Dave asked, and this seems like the right course. If Dave can't come down and he's not outright refusing Ryuji to go up, then that's what he's going to do. He'll abandon the mission, any mission or direct order, if it came down to it. Never put something between him and Dave, he's bound to smash through it... as long as he knows how to get there.
So standing up, he wobbles a little as he straightens up against the back wall of the vacation spot and continues on.]
Guess we'll find out
It's a four seater, unluxury sedan with a 0-star safety rating. Still, could probably sleep a little in it.
Oh, yeah it's definitely a pun.
His North Pole.
:)
[And at the exit, with a really freaking fuzzy blanket in hand, he calls down the next ride up to the Moon Base. A light on his bracer blinks a deep red, as a timer shows up on the display screen. T minus 5 minutes until he's walking to wherever the hell the thing decided to land.]
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i have no idea what to do with that
tack it up on the wall with the fish net i guess
[a blip of their usual cadence in the anxious storm that is this text conversation. and he gets the message; Ryuji will hopefully get a nap in while he makes his way back to the Moon Base to return to his side. Dave will hopefully be able to sort out how to explain what happened.]
["hey, so ... remember how I'm like... a mega overlord cat with way more than nine lives? turns out I accidentally used one up, and that's why I'm stuck at the Moon Base in standard issue medbay jammies waiting for them to let me suit up and go tree spelunking again."]
[god, that's ... fucking awful. how the hell is he going to do this? the more he tries to sort out what to say, the more his chest burns with anxiety, and the more he tries to approach the conversation from different angles. at least they'll be having this discussion a planet away from the threat of any spiders. at least he'll be able to warn Ryuji to stay as far away from them as possible. at least he'll know what not to do if either of them are unlucky enough to stumble into another encounter.]
[but yeah, nap or not, when Ryuji gets back to base, Dave will be waiting for him. he's sitting on the floor outside Ryuji's flat, in those aforementioned standard issue jammies, two cans of soda next to him while he idly swirls a half empty can in his hand.]
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Sorry dude, 'tis the season, can't help but be a little Santamental.
[Probably a 4/10 on the punscale, but Ryuji's head really isn't into it, all things considered. He said he wanted to talk about normal stuff, and he hates falling short of not doing something Dave wants, but as he ascends the tree and sees the increasing amount of webbing towards the top end, he's not exactly sure what normal's supposed to look like at the moment.]
What's it like up there anyway? Did they put decorations up too, or is it kinda more or less the same?
[When he gets pulled up back to the Hangar, Avi greets him with a questioning glance. They're expecting bodies if they're brought back up early, so Ryuji being completely fine and otherwise not needing magical attention, there's a few questions to be had and Ryuji's inattentive enough to just explain that it's something he's gotta do. No more questions asked after that, and he makes his way up to the apartment complex where the Reclaimers are meant to sleep. You know, when they're not on missions.
There's Dave, though.
Just sitting there. His hands drop to his side, and he doesn't waste any additional time in getting over to him. Ryuji comes down to his knees, sees the can of cola in his hands, and just.
Awkwardly and forcefully pulls him into a tight hug. Doesn't need a greeting, doesn't need a "sup" or an introduction that he's here. He's just going to go ahead and do that, and maybe even if Dave's body isn't quite ready for it, it's just the only way that he knows how to express himself.]
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i bet the towns decked out
i havent really had a chance to go look
[he's still improving rapidly, at least, even in the time frame between their first texts and the moment Ryuji's silently pulling him into his arms, so any outward signs that he was dead less than 24 hours ago are subtle if anything. he's probably still running at a cooler temperature than normal, and his skin is probably pretty dry from ... yeah. he's also on the lightly sluggish side; he just sort of hangs there for a second before he moves to wrap his arms around Ryuji in what's less a tight embrace and more just. holding on for dear life.]
[because there was a moment there, less than 24 hours ago, where he thought he was breaking another promise and leaving him behind. and there was a panicked moment where he thought he was never going to see Ryuji again.]
[he accidentally drops the can. it rolls off a few feet away, puddling the floor next to the door frame. Dave doesn't really seem to notice.]
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And it makes him angry. Whoever caused this deserves revenge.
Whether or not that cola is spilling out onto the floor, it's not like Ryuji cares either way. That's someone else's problem, as inconsiderate as it sounds (and he is), but an arm loops up under Dave's legs, and the other against his back as he lifts up. He's not even thinking when he does it, nor is he really asking Dave if it's okay that he does so, but he's going to carry him inside his room. If Dave's at the point where he's hanging on for dear life, then it's something he knows he has to do. Be a pillar of support strong enough so that he knows he'll always be there for him. It's a little extra of him, yeah, but he doesn't care. This is private; this is the most important person in the world to him, and he wants him in his room and in his bed. Especially if Dave couldn't make it down tree-side tonight.
And maybe some of that anger is in the grit of his voice, and it's probably more serious sounding than Dave's used to, filled with the intent to hurt someone for this, but nothing. Nothing has the right to hurt him and walk away unscathed from it.]
Who did it?
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[honestly, if he hadn't been in such a vulnerable position once before already, when the gravity somewhere else in space was shot and he couldn't move, and if Ryuji hadn't already carried him once before in said situation, Dave would probably be protesting this. well — a lot more, anyway. he shifts like he wants to protest for about half a second before he gives in, letting Ryuji take him wherever he's going, maybe resting his head on his shoulder in the meantime.]
[when you grow up expecting a fight around every corner, a single second of weakness is a single second to be exploited. the shields have to be up — relaxing is scarcely an option. strength is the most important stat.]
[but in the nearly eight months they've known each other by this point, even before their relationship kicked off with a wayward homage to Tex-Mex, Dave's learned that ... Ryuji is pretty much the only person he feels safe showing vulnerability around. so, Dave keeps his guard down. he lets Ryuji princess carry him somewhere even safer than the hallway.]
[he panics a little at the gritty tone of the question.]
I'll tell you, but ... you gotta promise me something first though.
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He's got some pretty strong arms, or at least, enough to make their way over to his room and put Dave down onto his bed. It does feel somewhat reminiscent of Dave being his backpack for a little while, coupled with the extreme sense of loss at not really being able to do much of anything besides being there. He's given Dave the whole of his heart already, and the thoughts that led up to getting here were those of trepidation and worry. But seeing him, touching him, carrying him; that's different. He couldn't do shit to stop it from happening.
To say that he's thought a lot about this potentially happening is a huge understatement; some of that anger seething out of him is also directed at himself for not being there. He had to wake up on the Moon Base, without anyone around him that knew Dave, or how much he's been through. People who cared, sure, because you don't go into the medical profession without trying to save lives, but they didn't care like Ryuji cared.
It just sucks. If he'd been a little more level headed about the entire thing, he would've seen what promise he'd have to make, because it should be almost immediately obvious what Dave's about to ask of him. But Ryuji's first instinct is to agree, without knowing the terms, because that's just how he feels about him and there's nothing that can change that mentality.]
Yeah, 'course. [Calm down, dude. He needs to. He never knows what to do when so many emotions smack him straight in the chest.] What... are you thinkin' about?
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[because the both of them, of course, could never stop worrying more about the other than they do themselves.]
[he's laid in bed, and it's tempting to immediately crawl under the covers and warm himself up, but he pushes against the mattress with his elbows, propping himself back up into a sitting position, twisting so he can look at Ryuji straight on. his expression is calm and serious as ever, but there's an underpinning of high anxiety in his voice, and the way he takes a breath before speaking.]
Don't try to fight them. By yourself, or — at all is really the ideal scenario. Just. Just run if you see them. Okay?
[this isn't really the way he'd rehearsed that request in his head — he sounded way less panicked in his head — but, that's how it came out.]
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I. Uh... W...what?
[Sitting at the edge of the bed, it's not like the panicked sound of his vocal chords vibrating goes unnoticed, but he's at a loss of words for what to say in response to that. Ryuji sits at the edge of the bed, brows tilted downward. That's not a fair request to make in his eyes, not when the result of that ended up with Dave being cold, being dry... having died.]
No. [The sound rings weird in his own ears. To date, it's hard to remember if he's ever been so stubbornly opposed to what Dave wants, and this is a strange place to be in for him. His hands bunch sheets up, his lips purse into a thin line-]
I ain't doing that. You can't... you can't tell me not to go after something that hurt you. Shit, I. I wasn't even there! I shoulda. [Been the one getting brought back to base if it meant Dave was safe. It's probably obvious what he's trying to say here.]
No. I can't promise that.
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[which brings him to another predicament. Dave wants him to know how dangerous the spiders are. tacking that warning on the wall may as well paint a target on the Matron's lair itself.]
[there's a middle ground here. he just hasn't thought of it yet — right now, they're likely trapped on the other sides of a glass box holding that compromise, trying to claw their way through to it and not reaching each other.]
I can't — [fuck, he hadn't meant to let his voice crack. he tries again.]
I can't undo it, dude.
[no time travel here. he might not even if he could, and then they'd likely be having a very different discussion than they are right now.]
The only thing I can really do is make sure it doesn't happen again. That's why I'm askin' you not to do this — all right?
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Undo it?!
[Holy shit, is he really talking about time travel right now? Ryuji blinks, letting go of the blanket in his hand.]
Even if you could go back and change the course of events, whatever it is that's out there still has that potential or hurting you. Or someone else!
[Ryuji can't get off of this one track mindset he's currently placed himself on, and as it continues to derail at 150mph, he's getting so worked up now; the result from a lack of sleep combined with anxieties that hit really close to home. Dave doesn't deserve that either, but unfortunately, he's such a protective person that he can't come down from it.]
Dude, something attacked you, and I couldn't do a goddamn thing to protect you. And if it's still down there. If it's still down there, it deserves to be put down.
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[not smart enough to stop arguing, though.]
Ryuji, c'mon. You didn't do anything wrong. [he was the one who fucked up here, who tumbled ass-backwards into a fight when he should have done the smart thing and escaped while he still could.]
And it's not like I don't get how you feel. You think I wouldn't be ready to scalp an entire fucking Christmas tree if it so much as dropped a pine needle on you? Wouldn't wish dangerous festive shit on anybody, much less someone I lo—
[whoa — whoa — extremely big guns very nearly blurted out here. awkward and still pretty riled up, he lifts a hand to run his fingers through his own hair.]
The idea of you getting hurt 'cause of my fuckup ... I can't stand it. I get where you're coming from, I really do. But I just can't.
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Ryuji's shoulders slump downward. Yeah, he'd take a chainsaw to that tree, too, if it meant doing anything that was actually worth doing, but he caught that almost-word that he managed to miss half the ending of, and it's really fucking him up for a moment. Or at least, it's Dave pulling out from behind with a red shell in hand and just letting it rip straight at Ryuji's kart, and suddenly he's left spinning without any balloons left.
Leaning forward, he stops Dave from straightening or otherwise fussing with his hair by cupping his elbow. This isn't how he imagined it to go, but it's not like that sentiment isn't wholly mirrored back right at him. Shit, why else is he ready to go fight the entire world just because someone hurt him? Why else is he sitting here, feeling so completely destroyed at the one thing he never wanted to happen to Dave happening?]
You mean it?
[If he doesn't get what Ryuji was going with here, or tries to steer clear of the conversation around it, he'll clarify and kick the door right open.]
You love me?
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[but then ... this is very much like them, too. significance branching out from itself. a sentiment that had always been right there on the edge, and one that finally finds its way out in an unexpected moment. Ryuji reaching out and stopping him, and asking for a clarification.]
["Like. Like, like?"]
[Dave does not need another three hundred word monologue to properly sort out his feelings on a new monosyllabic word he's gone and tossed out in the open. it's been there for a while now. he can pare it down to four equally short words this time.]
Yeah — 'course I do.
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I don't think... I've loved anything as much as I love you, Dave.
[As hard as he thought it would be to say that, it comes pretty easy. Like it's natural for Ryuji, it's something he's known for a while but up until now, he never had the space to bring it out in the open. It was something he had thought about when Dave was falling asleep with him, a sense of rightness to everything that no one else could or would ever get in between.]
...And I'm just. I'm scared, y'know? I mean, that's a scary thing just by itself, but it ain't like love just stops at the word, like there's some cap to how much that word means and suddenly it stops meaning anything more than what it is. And the more that grows, the more terrified I am at even... like, the smallest threat of losing you.
[So that's... pretty much where he's at. He knows he can't be there for every single fight that Dave has to get into, and to think that he could or should is probably wrong. But if he's going to have to end up swinging a sword, he wants him to win. To come home after every battle, whether or not that's against a legion of the undead, spiders, bear cats, or just the ones inside his own head. Ryuji lifts Dave's hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles.]
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[Dave has to bite back the guilt that tries to rise up again, over the way he'd scared Ryuji like he did, because they're on the cusp of figuring something out here, and trying to trot out an emotion that's still clawing at him and spurred their argument in the first place doesn't ... it doesn't seem like it has a place in the conversation right now. it's still there. he'll try not to ignore it forever.]
You're not gonna lose me. Promise. [he leans forward, gripping Ryuji's hand, lightly pressing their foreheads together as if that'll amplify a simple fact he's spoken. transfer his thoughts through contact.]
[and it is true — if anything, this whole shitty situation has proven that, in a way. death, as strange as this sentence sounds, no longer seems like a way for them to lose each other. the same was true back on the space station, but now that one of them's gone and proven it, it seems ... more tangible. not that it provides much comfort.]
Like you said, right? There's always gonna be a spot for you here to make your way back to, and, I mean. If we're gonna be glass orb lobbed into dangerous quests for the forseeable future, then we'll figure out a better way to work through 'em. Together. [he adds another box to their checklist of things they're trying to help each other through.]
[so, Ryuji won't ever lose him. might lose track of him, but Dave doesn't really know how to fix that, and —]
[wait, no. yes he does. he stops suddenly, having quite literally been pinged.]
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Ryuji settles, and Dave's trying to telepathically share something that a way too thick skull is blocking out. But ever greedy for contact, he closes his eyes and takes that in, too. Telepathic calming through thought osmosis. Thoughtmosis, sure. And it's been said before, but Ryuji's never been one not to trust a promise that Dave makes. The honesty is just so important to him, which is why he couldn't promise Dave to begin with that he wouldn't go off and do something stupid. He wouldn't ever put himself in a position to take back his words, because he means them all when he says them- even the goofy, stupid, jaw-droppingly ridiculous type, too.]
Cool, 'cause I like bein' at your side. S'the best part of my day, anyway.
[The longer he stays like this, though, the more he realizes that he's cracked out on approximately 0 hours of sleep, and as much of a throwback to Sweet Dreams Are Made of Bees, it does feel different enough to make a difference. Had it really been as long as it had? Stumbling through his feelings, leading up to a moment where he could tell him that he loves him, just like this?
Wait, Dave, what are you thinking? It went quiet.]
Huh? You okay?
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