oculusriffs | ic contact for acatalepsy

I'll have to double-check the exchange rates, but yeah, I can probably set that up the next time you need fancy coffee.

Right now, though? I'm only accepting shit that makes me laugh.

[can you do it, Akira? are you a bad enough dude to crack this poker face?]

[OH]

[SHIT]

[IT IS ON]

[the light catches the lenses of Akira's glasses, obscuring his expression. and when he speaks, his tone is purposeful, even, and deadly serious]

I was going to make a belt out of watches.

But then I realized it'd just be a waist of time.

[OH HOT DAMN HE DONT HOLD BACK]

[this was an assholish tax to charge, because even though he's nothing compared to his bro, he still just. doesn't dish out smiles like he dishes out disses. Dave knows that. but he's not going to let a terrible (good) joke go unacknowledged, either.]

That almost got a groan out of me. Might be willin' to count that as a laugh.

[there we go, compliment delivered. tell him a joke about birds, Akira, he'll love it!]

[it might be a compliment, but it's also another challenge. and Akira is rising to meet it. he may or may not have a tiny competitive streak. . . even though he also tends to take losses in stride]

How does a penguin build a house?

[wwwwait for it. . .]

Igloos it together.

[BADUM TISH]

[thanks!! he has now hurd the wurd of burd. and he huffs out a breath, something of a mix between half amusement, exasperation with the dad jokes and the urge to retaliate.]

How many Ice Ages did it take you to come up with that one?

[DAVE.]

[the puns are getting colder, but Akira's getting warmer — he'll have his coffee gear yet.]

Seven and a half. It was hard work.

[he says almost solemnly]

I'd tell you another joke about paper, but unfortunately it's pretty terable.

[and that one he closes off with a fingergun]

[it's the fingerguns that really seal the deal. Dave looks like he's about to clap right back, and maybe he very well could, but then. then, he just ...]

[GROAN.]

Okay, okay, I give. What kinda coffee beans did you have in mind?

[hehehe]

A mocha java blend. Dark roast.

[not Leblanc's house blend, but it's one of Akira's favorite flavors]

[give him a minute to think about that. Dave turns to the side slightly, mumbling through the rhymes as he works to put them together — a dark roast that'll leave you sparked at most, maybe, cuz you're getting a hit, a marked dose (of caffeine) — and jesus christ every rhyme tag i write gets exponentially nerdier.]

[good thing Dave's a nerd.]

[in any case, he aimed to rhyme up the biggest bag of coffee beans he could that wasn't, like, comically huge. it's definitely enough to last Akira a while.]

[here you go, fellow word nerd.]

[HELLA]

[the motion Akira makes to accept the bag of coffee beans can only be described as "grabby hands." come to papa, you delicious coffee, you]

Oh thank god, I'm never going to be caffeine deprived again.

[lol.]

Now that you mention it, I'm wonderin' if I could turbo-caffeinate this shit or something. Throw in a few extra lines about it giving you an ungodly buzz and see what happens.

Or maybe just make one giant coffee bean. [that's a terrible and inefficient idea, Dave.]

[. . . DAVE. . .]

You can't make coffee grounds from one giant coffee bean, Dave.

[he says matter-of-factly, like that's the only issue with everything he's said]

But you probably could break a few world records.

Not with that attitude you can't.

[take a giant grater to it! come on, it'll totally work! Dave .... doesn't know anything about coffee that doesn't come from weird space machines.]

Good thing we've got a whole lineup of worlds to steal some giant record accolades from.

Just as long as we don't go somewhere with actual giants.

[oh my god]

You've gone and jinxed us. There are going to be giants on the next world we're shipped of to.

[. . . well, to giant robots count?? apparently those exist on Struxta]

[....... WELP.]

Better to be prepared for giants than blindsided by them, then. Or stepped on by them. Or baked into a giant pie or something.

[Dave, you should really stop while you're ahead, bro.]

[yes. yes he does]

That. . . last one would only happen if they're man-eating giants.

[there's still hope??]

[this is very, very silly.]

I guess it's a good thing there's literally no way that could ever happen.

[yes. yes it is]

Don't jinx us.

[also, he's heading towards the kitchen. and stopping to make sure Dave is following. come with him!!]

[too ... too late! but yeah, all right, he'll follow along — he still hasn't rhymed up that percolator yet, after all.]

[exactly, although they can do that after they reach the kitchen. Akira drops the bag of coffee beans on the counter once they get there]

Busting out those rhymes doesn't make you hungry, does it?

Depends on the time of day, I guess. Why, you offering to make me dinner?

[shrugs!]

Maybe.

[is his only response as he starts digging through cabinets. "maybe" is a "yes," actually. payment for the coffee and the percolator]

[well, he'd be lying if he said this didn't completely pique his curiosity. Dave grew up in a household where puppets lived in the microwave and the fridge was extra sword storage, so he's only ever actually seen someone cooking up close on TV, or something like that.]

[he doesn't say anything; he just watches to see what Akira comes up with.]

[wow what the fuck, Dave]

[it looks like Akira's pulling ingredients for curry! vegetables and rice and a variety of spices]

On a scale from one to ten, how well can you handle your spice?

[yeah ... yeah. 8( but, he's never had curry before — and his motif is fire and lava, kid can probably handle his spice well enough.]

Six or seven's fine. [better play it safe, though. can't try to think of words that rhyme with percolator if you're too busy blowing fire.]

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